Normal weekend

A normal weekend used to sound amazing. We would have a lazy day at least one, maybe two days. No kids meant we could sleep in, watch what we wanted, eat when we wanted, no responsibilities other than ourselves. I woke up yesterday with that thought in mind and cried. I'm sure most parents would love to have that kind of day every now and again but I longed for the opposite. I wanted to get up to feed him, hold him, change him, love on him.  It was the beginning to a teary weekend. 

This morning I cried after speaking with my mom about Christmas and how they just wanted to spoil their grand babies.  It hit me so hard at that moment that Urijah won't be there to be spoiled. I walked into his room, held his bear and cried until i couldn't catch my breath. This holiday season just won't be the same for me. I could care less about presents, visiting with others, food.  I'm not excited. I just want it to hurry up and be over. I seriously can't wait for January. Milestones are a reminder of him. I wonder what he would be doing, who would he look like, how much would he weigh, what cute outfit would he be wearing. I've never hurt this much and I've never hurt this long.  It takes a toll. 

I try not to keep any of it in and Steve has been great at listening and holding me when I'm in need of comfort. I pray. I pray many times a day for strength, for wisdom, and for guidance.  I pray that if is in accordance with His will that he heal my body so that I may be able to carry a child successfully. I'm always reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares The Lord, ' plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". I believe everything happens for a reason and that God is preparing Steve and I for something he has planned for our future. I long for the day he makes it right. I hold steadfast in my faith that through Him all things are possible. 

Conferences

It's been a few days since my last post.  It's been a very long week in total.  Yesterday marked a month since my little boy left this Earth.  I wish I could say it was getting easier.  I miss him so much.  My heart aches any time I see a photo of him or I see a little boy playing.  I so desperately wanted that to be Urijah someday, a rambunctious little boy.  That word brings a smile to my face.  I don't even know if I spelled it right, whatever.  I managed to survive parent teacher conferences.  I had been praying about them for a few days.  I was afraid that I was going to get a parent questions why I was out for so long or why I continue to miss random days.  I kept going over in my mind how I was going to protect myself and what I was going to say.  I had created scenarios in my mind.  I was sure there would be at least one.  God saved me like he always does.  I didn't have one unpleasant conference.  In fact I had the opposite.  I had a parent come to me and say they knew a little of what I was feeling because they too lost a child.  The mom said she was praying for me and my family and that my little angel would be waiting for me in heaven.  Her words were amazing and I knew then that God heard my prayers.  The rest of the afternoon went on much the same.  One of the last conferences I had was someone I hadn't expect to see, his NICU nurse.  When I saw her I lost it.  I didn't even realize I had her son in my class.  She came to my table with tears already in her eyes and sat down.  She told me she didn't know if she should come see me or not but decided she wanted to.  She didn't want to discuss her son but rather tell me that Urijah would be missed and that she was thinking of us, missed us and said we would never be forgotten.  I couldn't tell her anything other than "thank you for everything you did for my son.  I can't thank you enough for being there for us and we haven't given up on our dreams of becoming parents".  She told me that she too had lost a son recently and knew something about what I was feeling.  I hugged her.  I can truly say I love her.  I love all of them.  I pray for the NICU nurses every day and those sweet babies they take care of.  She definitely made my conference day so much brighter.  

I can hardly wait for God to bless us someday with a child.  We aren't too sure how he/she is going to get here just yet.  I have been told by doctors that bed rest is likely again, hospital stay would be likely and a NICU baby would be likely.  That's the part that scares me the most.  I know I shouldn't be afraid but it's so hard after all we've been through.  

I just want to be a mom.  I have never wanted anything more.  I wish parents wouldn't take that for granted.  There are so many women and men out there that would give anything to have a family and can't, I am now one of them.  I thought I would never be here.  This happened to other people, not me.  Never me. 

Even though Urijah is no longer here my love continues to grow for him.  He has blessed me more than I could have every imagined he would.  I'm a better teacher, a better friend, a more devoted servant of God, a better wife, and eventually a better parent all because of his precious and short existence.  What an amazing gift I was given. 

 I love you baby boy.  Always in mommy's heart. 

What to say, what not to say

Every day is different, every hour is different. It's weird to not be in control of my emotions all the time. I went shopping for my sister's baby shower present. Yes, my sister is pregnant. I'm so happy for her but it does hurt and I find myself getting jealous. What a horrible emotion, jealousy. Makes me sick. I pray continually for guidance but for now I've removed myself from all things baby, including my own sister, which is very hard. I know it will not always be this way. She knows I love her and I do talk with her on the phone often. For now my sources of comfort are Steve and other moms who have experienced loss of an infant. I'm so happy for my support system and the constant prayers. Please keep them coming, but it's so hard for others to relate and their first instinct is to try and make me happy or "fix" it. There is no fixing this and when I'm having a difficult day the last thing I want is someone trying to make me happy. I do appreciate the attempt but I just need people to understand that I won't be completely okay for sometime. People keep telling me they don't know what to say and then there are some who say whatever comes to their mind, insensitive or not. If you ever encounter someone who has suffered a loss of an infant and/or pregnancy here are a few things you should stay away from:
"It was meant to be"
"Something's was probably wrong with the baby"
"Everything happens for a reason" - although she may come to that realization later in she doesn't want to hear that now.
"You're still young, you can have more" & "You can try again" - you may not know all of their business and perhaps not all couples can have another.
"It wasn't even a baby"
"At least you know you can get pregnant"
"You can always adopt"
"It was a blessing in disguise"
"At least your baby is in heaven" and "it was God's plan" - although this may bring comfort someday and is very true, it's not something someone who has lost a baby wants to hear straight after a loss
"At least your baby doesn't have to live in this awful world"
"God doesn't make mistakes"
"It's better to have loved and lost"
"I just don't know how God chooses who is worthy"
"I know how you feel"

Please do say:
"I'm here for you"
"I'm so sorry for your loss"
"If you need me I'm here"
"Tell me about your son/daughter"
"I'm praying for you"
"I don't know what to say but I'm here for you"
OR just a giving them a hug. That has meant the most to me.

All grieve differently and not all of this is the same for everyone. Please do not take offense. I'm not trying to be mean but rather informative. Thank you for taking the time to read. I appreciate all of you.

I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for my friends. I am blessed to have carried such a precious child of God.

Life is rough....

4 weeks today. The days aren't much easier. The pain has definitely become more manageable but it's all still very raw. I cried watching a mom sing to her baby. I will never get to do that again with Urijah. He used to sleep on mu chest when i sang Jesus Loves Me. i got to hold him 5 times. My heart exploded with joy every time I held him.

The human part of me wants to continue questioning. I don't understand why God brought me so far in my pregnancy, why I endured so much,  just to take him from us.  Why is it that so many who don't want children are able to have them and the only thing I long for is to be a parent and I'm being denied. Then I have to remember God has a bigger plan in place and its not for me to understand. It's so hard though. The trials of this life are so overwhelming. I'm not sure how anyone does this without faith in God.

I find it hardest when I'm alone. That's when I cry. Steve is working late tonight and without him here, my mind wanders. The pain becomes more intense and I find myself breaking. I want to scream at the top of my lungs to see if it makes me feel better. Instead, I just curl up in the nursery and hold his bear and talk to him.

People marvel at my strength and a lot of the time it's a mask.  I laugh at appropriate times and smile when needed.  I don't know what people expect when they come to talk with me. Very rarely do people ask about him. They pretend nothing happened and many just avoid me. I don't know what's worse, avoiding me or pretending he never existed. They both hurt. I have had people I've called friends not even bother to call, text, Facebook or email. I have found who my true friends and family are and I will keep them close.

He would be two months old soon. We were so close. Another 5 weeks and he could have potentially come home. I miss him more every day. He was supposed to be my rainbow baby. I miss his little cry. When I first heard it, it brought tears to my eyes. I was so happy. I would give anything to hear his little cry, see his beautiful smile. He had this smell. I could have recognized it anywhere and now I can't remeber what it was like. I long to smell it again.

I do not regret a second I got to spend with him. I would gladly carry him again, endure the stress, pain, and tears just to have him with me. A huge piece of my heart is missing and that is something I'm going to have to learn to live with. I wish there was a manual for stuff like this but since there isn't I'm having to do a lot of learning along the way.

I was honored to be his mother, I was blessed to have met him and I'm so happy that someday I will get to see him again. He brought so much joy to my life. He will always be loved.

Busy Weekends

My weekend was super busy but very fun. Awhile back I decided to get a part time job at Bath & Body Works. I think I really wanted the discount so I could feed by BBW addiction. :) I do like working there but it takes up weekend time! Anyway my busy weekend started with my awesome sister graduating from college! So happy for her. Then it was Mother's Day so we made the rounds to both famies. I also had to work, so needless to say I'm tired and need another weekend so I can clean and keep up after my mutts. I definitely need a maid and for my husband to get a second full time job so I can stay at home and be a hot housewife. ;) On a much more realistic note I only have three weeks until summer!!!!

Haha! I'm so excited for her :)

My sister Katrina Graduated!