2 years....

Two years ago today life as I knew it fell apart. We knew Urijah was sick but we had faith he was going to be ok. We had big plans for our first born. We were looking forward to his first Christmas, Easter, and birthday. We couldn't wait to hold him tube and wire free. We prayed. We had lots of people praying. There was no way God wasn't going to heal him. He was coming home. God had different plans for his life. He allowed Urijah to come in to our lives for a short time. He showed us true, unconditional love. The kind of love you can only have for your children. He filled our hearts with so much joy. He allowed us to care for a beautiful, precious life. He didn't have to allow it. Urijah could have passed away without me ever saying hello. I got to hold him, I got to sing to him, I got to change diapers. These are the things parents take for granted. These are the things I cherish. I can still remember the day he passed. I can remember whispering in his ear that mommy was here and she wasn't going anywhere. I can remember trying to cover his feet because they were cold. I wanted him to be warm. I remember hearing his heart monitor slow and alarms going off.  I can remember all sounds, smells, faces, feelings. These are things I carry with me always. I remember holding him after, no tubes or wires, a feeling only NICU parents understand. I whispered into his ear that I loved him, that he was free, he was coming home and that one day I would see him again.

I am not the same person I was two years ago. Some change for the better, some not. I do know that Urijah's life and death made me realize how foolishly I had been living. I always thought I was a Christian. Most of the time I had more of myself in the world than I did with Jesus. I thought that was ok and that because I was a good person, I was going to heaven. I'm here to tell anyone who will listen, there are no no good people. We are all sinners. We all fall short of the glory of God. It is only through his son Jesus Christ, who died for our sins, that we are saved  you cannot be of this world and of God. There is no such thing as a carnal Christian. Romans 8:6-8 says "for to set the mind on flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God." For anyone who reads this, I urge you to get right with Jesus. Turn your life away from this world. Jesus sacrificed his life for us, that we may be saved. He paid the ultimate price for you and me. His blood made us righteous in God's sight. We don't get to heaven by being "good".  You need to repent and turn away from your old life and the things you once did and believe that Jesus is your lord and savior. I know I will see Urijah again. I have that assurance. Do you? I'm praying for you.

Selina

Long time no blog....

It has been such a long time since the last time I blogged, I don't even know where to begin. So much has happened since. I got pregnant, had a not so complicated pregnancy (still a little complicated ;)) and a beautiful baby boy, Simon-Nathan (Simon). I completely forgot I had this blog. I can't remember why I stopped updating. 

My little munchkin is 4, almost 5 months old. It's crazy how time flies. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Urijah. I still grieve. Holidays are still hard but more manageable. We still take it one day at a time. It was hard when I first had Simon. The only thing I could think about were all the things I was doing with Simon but never got a chance to with Urijah. I wanted so much for Urijah to be with me but knew I would have never had Simon if he was. It was all so bittersweet. As the months have passed Simon has brought some healing for me. Not that he could ever replace but rather add more love into my life. I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to love Simon as much as Urijah but thankfully it was just nerves. It's amazing how much love the heart can hold. I can now say I have two sons, something I never thought would happen. People always ask if Simon is my first. I always say my first is in heaven and Simon is my second baby. I know I must make them uncomfortable and it would probably be easier just to say, yes he's my first, but I need for Urijah to be remembered. It's hurtful when he's not. 

As I type this at 2:30am, I have a beautiful little stinker sleeping on my chest. Steve and I are blessed to be able to be his parents. He has provided so much laughter, smiles, tears of joy, and love. I would love if we could have 10 more. ;) j/k One more would be awesome.  So, I'm going to attempt to keep up with this blog and report on the adventures of Simon and being his mommy. I thank God every day for that privilege. 

Christmas

Christmas just isn't the same no matter how hard I try. It's taking everything I've got to get up out of bed and watch others be joyful. I can only think of what I'm missing and how I would give anything to have my heart whole again. Please, if you know a parent who is missing their little ones this Christmas, hug them, pray for them and be thankful you don't know their pain. I pray that you never will. I have lost loved ones and Christmas is definitely different and hard without them but a missing a child is so much different. I know some will postpone reading this on Christmas because its too sad and you don't want to go "there" on Christmas. I wish I had that luxury.  The feelings you get when reading this is only a fraction of what it's like for a childless parent and how they have to live "there", not only on Christmas but everyday of the year.

I miss you Urijah. Mommy was looking forward to putting presents under the tree for you. I was looking forward to watching grandma and grandpa hold you and spoil you. I was looking forward to watching daddy teach you how to unwrap gifts. I wanted to see your little face light up during future Christmas', I wanted to feel your little arms around me as you hugged me so tight, I wanted to hear your tiny laugh. How that would have melted my heart. I want to hold you. My arms long for you. They are so empty without you. No Christmas will ever be the same without you. There will always be something missing. Mommy and daddy love and miss you so much it hurts. We can't wait to see you again someday. We know you are smiling down on us and that Christmas in Heaven is so much more amazing then we could ever imagine.  You gave mommy and daddy the best month of our lives and i would give anything to go back and kiss your little face one more time. I love you, I love you, I love you.

I pray Jesus you help us through this holiday. I pray for strength. I pray for other parents out there that never got to bring their babies home. I pray that you hold them, comfort them, be with them. We thank you for sending your son Jesus Christ, to be born on this day. We thank you for loving us so much that you were willing to allow your son to die for us, wiping away our all our sins. We know the reason for the season Father. Happy Birthday Jesus.  I thank you for wonderful family and friends. I thank you for Steve, without him I'd fall apart. I thank you for sending Urijah to us. I thank you for letting me get to carry, meet and hold that amazing little boy. I thank you for allowing me to feel that awesome love that only a parent can know. I pray we get to experience it again. We give thanks to you in all that we do, for all that we have. Amen.

Zoe

My sister and niece flew in today for the holidays. I hate that my sister lives so far and I that I miss watching my niece grow up.  I'm so excited that we are able to see them for special occiassions and wish those special occassions were every weekend.  My mom picked them up at the airport and I was able to meet them for lunch and dessert after.  Of course the frozen yogurt shop was empty because who likes frozen yogurt when it's 50 degrees and windy outside?  My family of course.  ;)  Since it was empty Jess put Zoe down and told her to "go crazy".  Mind you she's almost 2 so her energy knows no end.  She was so cute. She jumped and ran around the chairs and through the tunnels of the chair bottoms.  She was our after lunch entertainment.  Her version of "dancing", giggling at her momma, smiling at ma-pa (grandma), telling us how delicious her yogurt was, made my heart hurt.  I want that.  I love that when she sees a picture of Urijah, she knows who he is and is able to call him by his name, well the name she can pronounce, I-ya.  I wish she could have played with him.  She would have made a great older cousin.  I know she will be a fun older cousin for my niece that will be born shortly.  They would have made an entertaining trio.  I was looking forward to it. 

I came home after we ate, my heart heavy all the way home.  I cried in the car as I listened to "Jesus Loves Me", the song I would sing to him as I held him.  He would fall asleep on my chest when I sang it, his little hand grasping at my skin.  I can still feel his little nails, I can still hear his little sleeping moans. 

I've largely avoided his nursery.  I can't bring myself to go into the room we still have decorated, waiting for him.  My chihuahua was crying at the nursery door.  He wanted in.  Funny dog.  I opened it and he ran in looking for something he thought he needed.  I noticed a blanket on the floor.  It was one of the receiving blankets we used for his incubator.  I picked it up and smiled.  We had washed all his blankets after he passed, with the exception for the last blanket he ever laid on.  Steve put that blanket into a ziplock bag because he didn't want the smell to go away.  It still smells like him. 

I picked up the fallen blanket (not in a ziplock) and held it to my cheek, remembering the last time I saw him using this particular blanket.  There was a rough patch on the blanket.  I scratched at it and realized it was spit up.  I cried and held it tight.  There was something oddly comforting about it.  What mom is excited about seeing spit up on a blanket?  Me.  That was from my baby.  My heart longs to clean up more spit up.  I want diapers, I want to wash baby clothes, I want to be comforting a crying baby, I want the giggles, the jumping, the dancing, the craziness.  I pray everyday that I get to experience it all.  What an honor and what a priveledge it would be. 

I put the blanket in his crib.  Shooed the dogs out and closed the door.  It will probably stay closed for months.  I went to the living room and turned on the TV.  Dr. Phil was on.  I don't particularly care for Dr. Phil but I left it on after I realized he was talking to parents who have lost children.  Parts of it were just meant for me to hear.  To know that others have the bad days, the good days.  That it was ok to laugh and feel joy and it was ok not to be ok, like today. 

I always feel so much better after I write it all out, even if know one ever reads it.  It's become my release on hard days and I'm thankful for the outlet.  Thank your for letting me share my journey, my pain and my love. 

First Christmas in heaven

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

Author unknown

Surgery

It's been over a week since my last blog. Last week was hard and I didnt feel much like blogging. Dec 4th marked 3 months since Urijah's birth and Dec 8th marked 2 months since his death. Time flies. I have been living life on time passed since those two events. I know I will eventually stop but it's so hard not to now. Despite the constant reminders I'm doing ok. Honestly. Every day I try to choose joy no matter how difficult that might be. Some days are definitely harder than others. I can only take it one day at a time.

I had surgery yesterday. Steve and I have been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, hoping he would have answers as to why I was unable to carry Urijah longer and potentially give us news that would make us more comfortable in carrying another. He took my case on as a challenge. I had an MRI, ultrasound, and LOTS of blood work done. I feel like a pin cushion. This has all been within the past month or so, so it's all been happening very fast. We definitely know that Urijah was born early because there was no more blood flow through the umbilical cord and it was only a matter of time before he died in utero.  Doctors didn't know why there was no blood flow.  The new RE thinks he may have found the answer.

Ok so the next paragraph or so might be TMI for guys and some girls. Just wanted to give a heads up.

My MRI and ultrasound revealed I have an uterine septate, or septum.  Basically, a wall that was separating my uterus into parts. There is little to no blood flow within this septum. They think Urijah implanted there and therefore he was receiving little  blood flow, which eventually came to a stop all together. 80% chance of miscarriage, 20% chance at making it through the 1st trimester. That in combination with his single umbilical artery and my clotting disorder (antiphospholid syndrome), poor Urijah struggled just to be here. Stupid body. Finding all this out is bittersweet. On the one hand, I'm so glad we know but on the other it was too late for Urijah. What if?

Anyway, it's fixable. So I had surgery yesterday to remove the septum. I was so nervous before. I'm thankful it was in an outpatient surgery setting and not at the hospital. I might have had a panic attack if I had to stay at the hospital again so soon. I've had my fill of hospitals for a while. During surgery he also discovered I had endometriosis (geez!) and looked at my fibroid tumors. The endometriosis was cleaned up and the fibroids he left because they were small. One if the tumors got to the size of Urijah's head while I was pregnant with him. Now the largest is 1cm. Crazy.

So I'm home, resting and very, very sore. Surgery was successful and we're hoping this was the answer we were seeking. Docs gave the thumbs up to trying when we are ready. Now it's just a matter of when we both don't feel so guilty for even thinking of having another. I think that's the hard part. We know we can never replace him in our hearts and its not like we're trying too but how do you clear your mind of the guilt? With 2 miscarriages and the loss of Urijah, the innocence of pregnancy is lost to me. All I can do is pray when I worry and know that God is with me every step of the way. It is His will, not my own and I have to trust that He knows what he's doing. It's definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Oh Christmas tree

Another rough day. Steve and I went to church this morning. Since our house isn't decorated for the holidays I haven't really paid much attention to Christmas decorations.. We were a tad late so the worship part of the service had already begun. We found an empty row towards the back, sat our stuff down and began to sing. The inside of church looked nice, wreaths, festive candles and Christmas trees. Oh, Christmas trees. There were two of them, one on each side of the stage, both decorated and lit up. I starred at them for a bit, thinking about past Christmas' and the joy of being able to buy for others, the wrapping of those gifts and placing them under the tree. I started to daydream about this future Christmas and all the gifts under the tree and how there wouldn't be any for Urijah. How my sweet little boy would never be amongst his cousins, giggling and laughing opening up his gifts. How I would never see his precious face light up and I would never feel his little arms around me. Tears streamed down my face during service. Steve grabbed my hand and held it tight. I don't think I realized until that moment how much I didn't want to celebrate Christmas.

For those that know me, you know how hard it is to say that. I look forward to this holiday all year. It's my favorite. Now, all I can think of is how I can not celebrate with my son and my heart hurts. I'm sure you can imagine what it's like to celebrate without a loved one, as many of us have lost someone dear to us. But try and imagine what it would be like to celebrate without your child, or one of your children. I know you won't imagine it long because its an unbearable and painful thought. That's my pain. A pain that many of you can only imagine. 

Today is my due date. I have so many "I wishes" running through my head. Although the date is just that, a date, I wish with all my heart I could have made it to today. I wish my body would have held on a little longer. I wish his short life would have been spent at home rather than a NICU. I wish, I wish, I wish. Even though I know this isn't my fault, a part of me wants to blame me. I get so angry that my body failed my Urijah. That the one thing a woman was biologically designed to do, I couldn't do. I wish things had turned out differently. 

I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I'm continually praying for strength. Somedays are definitely harder than others. Please pray for us as we try and make through this holiday season.

Even though my desire to celebrate the gift giving part of Christmas is non-existent, my desire to celebrate the true meaning of the season is alive and well. Thank you God for sending your son, Jesus Christ. Without him my sins would have never been washed clean. Without Jesus I wouldn't have hope, I wouldn't be able to make it through each day. He is the reason for the season. Please don't forget that as you celebrate this year.