Surgery

It's been over a week since my last blog. Last week was hard and I didnt feel much like blogging. Dec 4th marked 3 months since Urijah's birth and Dec 8th marked 2 months since his death. Time flies. I have been living life on time passed since those two events. I know I will eventually stop but it's so hard not to now. Despite the constant reminders I'm doing ok. Honestly. Every day I try to choose joy no matter how difficult that might be. Some days are definitely harder than others. I can only take it one day at a time.

I had surgery yesterday. Steve and I have been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, hoping he would have answers as to why I was unable to carry Urijah longer and potentially give us news that would make us more comfortable in carrying another. He took my case on as a challenge. I had an MRI, ultrasound, and LOTS of blood work done. I feel like a pin cushion. This has all been within the past month or so, so it's all been happening very fast. We definitely know that Urijah was born early because there was no more blood flow through the umbilical cord and it was only a matter of time before he died in utero.  Doctors didn't know why there was no blood flow.  The new RE thinks he may have found the answer.

Ok so the next paragraph or so might be TMI for guys and some girls. Just wanted to give a heads up.

My MRI and ultrasound revealed I have an uterine septate, or septum.  Basically, a wall that was separating my uterus into parts. There is little to no blood flow within this septum. They think Urijah implanted there and therefore he was receiving little  blood flow, which eventually came to a stop all together. 80% chance of miscarriage, 20% chance at making it through the 1st trimester. That in combination with his single umbilical artery and my clotting disorder (antiphospholid syndrome), poor Urijah struggled just to be here. Stupid body. Finding all this out is bittersweet. On the one hand, I'm so glad we know but on the other it was too late for Urijah. What if?

Anyway, it's fixable. So I had surgery yesterday to remove the septum. I was so nervous before. I'm thankful it was in an outpatient surgery setting and not at the hospital. I might have had a panic attack if I had to stay at the hospital again so soon. I've had my fill of hospitals for a while. During surgery he also discovered I had endometriosis (geez!) and looked at my fibroid tumors. The endometriosis was cleaned up and the fibroids he left because they were small. One if the tumors got to the size of Urijah's head while I was pregnant with him. Now the largest is 1cm. Crazy.

So I'm home, resting and very, very sore. Surgery was successful and we're hoping this was the answer we were seeking. Docs gave the thumbs up to trying when we are ready. Now it's just a matter of when we both don't feel so guilty for even thinking of having another. I think that's the hard part. We know we can never replace him in our hearts and its not like we're trying too but how do you clear your mind of the guilt? With 2 miscarriages and the loss of Urijah, the innocence of pregnancy is lost to me. All I can do is pray when I worry and know that God is with me every step of the way. It is His will, not my own and I have to trust that He knows what he's doing. It's definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to do.