Oh Christmas tree

Another rough day. Steve and I went to church this morning. Since our house isn't decorated for the holidays I haven't really paid much attention to Christmas decorations.. We were a tad late so the worship part of the service had already begun. We found an empty row towards the back, sat our stuff down and began to sing. The inside of church looked nice, wreaths, festive candles and Christmas trees. Oh, Christmas trees. There were two of them, one on each side of the stage, both decorated and lit up. I starred at them for a bit, thinking about past Christmas' and the joy of being able to buy for others, the wrapping of those gifts and placing them under the tree. I started to daydream about this future Christmas and all the gifts under the tree and how there wouldn't be any for Urijah. How my sweet little boy would never be amongst his cousins, giggling and laughing opening up his gifts. How I would never see his precious face light up and I would never feel his little arms around me. Tears streamed down my face during service. Steve grabbed my hand and held it tight. I don't think I realized until that moment how much I didn't want to celebrate Christmas.

For those that know me, you know how hard it is to say that. I look forward to this holiday all year. It's my favorite. Now, all I can think of is how I can not celebrate with my son and my heart hurts. I'm sure you can imagine what it's like to celebrate without a loved one, as many of us have lost someone dear to us. But try and imagine what it would be like to celebrate without your child, or one of your children. I know you won't imagine it long because its an unbearable and painful thought. That's my pain. A pain that many of you can only imagine. 

Today is my due date. I have so many "I wishes" running through my head. Although the date is just that, a date, I wish with all my heart I could have made it to today. I wish my body would have held on a little longer. I wish his short life would have been spent at home rather than a NICU. I wish, I wish, I wish. Even though I know this isn't my fault, a part of me wants to blame me. I get so angry that my body failed my Urijah. That the one thing a woman was biologically designed to do, I couldn't do. I wish things had turned out differently. 

I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I'm continually praying for strength. Somedays are definitely harder than others. Please pray for us as we try and make through this holiday season.

Even though my desire to celebrate the gift giving part of Christmas is non-existent, my desire to celebrate the true meaning of the season is alive and well. Thank you God for sending your son, Jesus Christ. Without him my sins would have never been washed clean. Without Jesus I wouldn't have hope, I wouldn't be able to make it through each day. He is the reason for the season. Please don't forget that as you celebrate this year.