Morbid

I'm having a rough day today.  I don't really have focus for this blog or a particular direction I'm going in, I'm just having rough day.  I'm sitting here at my work computer and I'm supposed to be grading, filing, putting in grades, but I want nothing to do with any of it.  No focus, no concentration, no patience for the tedious and repetitive.  It's frustrating.  All I can do is stare at his wallet sized pictures taped to my computer and grieve.  It hurts to look at his pictures.  My mind does this weird thing where it turns my past reality, my pregnancy, his birth, his death, into a dream.  Some days it feels like it never happened.  I'm sure it's a coping mechanism designed to relieve me of some of the pain.  Maybe I should be grateful for it but I fight it instead.  I force myself to look at his pictures, I force myself to remember and then I grieve.  I want to feel, even if it causes me to cry or causes my heart to continue breaking.

Today I'm teaching my anatomy students how muscles contract.  To get them to understand is quite the feat but I love watching their faces light up as they begin to make connections.  Part of the lesson is talking what happens when muscles are unable to stop contracting and more specifically the inability to stop contracting when it pertains to death.  Rigor Mortis. The word even sounds revolting.  So I'm teaching my kids what it means and why it happens.  In the middle of the first class I teach it to, my mind immediately goes to Urijah's death.  I start remembering everything about that day as I'm speaking to my students.  I'm reliving it in my mind, every single moment up until the doctor says he can do no more and then after when I asked to hold him and then I start thinking about the death process and if rigor mortis is happening to him as I was holding his lifeless body.  It's taking everything for me to not cry in front of my students at this moment.   Stupid, stupid mind.  I couldn't turn it off.  I just wanted it to stop. Even though I want to remember and feel, this was something new, something so horribly morbid that it was too much for me to bear. After class I went into my storeroom and cried.  One step forward, two steps back.

 As I type this I have a knot in my throat, my heart is pounding and tears are welling up in the corner of my eyes.  My head hurts.  I just want to go home.  Praying for strength.  I'm just having a rough day.

Hawaii

Almost every year, Steve and I try to go somewhere on vacation. Whether it be as local as Ruidoso ot as big as the British Virgin Islands, we enjoy spending time away.  This year we didn't get to go on vacation because we had Urijah's arrival coming up and that trumped any vacation we had ever taken. We were looking forward to saving that vacation time and eventually taking Urijah with us. He was going to be our little traveler.

Steve and I decided not long after Urijah passed that we NEEDED to get away and as far away as we could go the better. I didn't care that I'm not getting paid and that we still have bills, we just needed to go away. Our favorite vacation spot has always been Hawaii.  We thought that would be a good location to rest. We needed to destress. We haven't stopped being stressed since the beginning of this pregnancy, all the way through my bed rest, my hospital stay, his birth, his NICU stay, and then his death. We needed rest. The other thing we felt we needed to be away from was the holiday. I cannot explain to you how hard an impending holiday is when you've suffered the loss of a child and I sincerely hope you never have to know the feeling.

For all of our vacations, we spent weeks, months even, preparing and anticipating our vacation. This one was different. The trip snuck up on us and we hadn't really planned anything. We have both suffered from a loss of motivation to do much of anything. Both Steve and I have also developed concentration issues. Our minds just wander, making tasks more difficult to complete and I know my memory is shot. I'm constantly forgetting. It's frustrating.

The day we left, I was ready to get out of "reality". I was looking forward to distraction. As the plane prepared to land on the island I was immediately overcome with emotion. It was definitely not something I was prepared for.  I started to cry silently. The tears streaming down my face were from guilt. I felt guilty I was getting away, guilty that I wanted to be distracted and sad to know that my little one was never going to physically travel with me. I felt so bad. I didn't want people to think now that he is gone, I'm going on vacation. It wasn't like that. It wasn't nice to be able to get away, it wasn't nice that I was going to be at a beach.  The reason for me being there wasn't nice at all. I would give up a thousand hawaiian vacations just for a moment with him again. Just to hold him, kiss him and tell him how much I love him. It was then I realized that no getaway will ever bring peace and comfort for that.

From then on everything reminded me of him. The baby hiking with his parents on a trail through a volcano. His cute toes sticking out from his sling carrier his mother was wearing. I wanted that to be me. The tiny toddlers playing in the pool with their parents, giggling and squealing in their adorable swim suits. Parents pushing strollers during a beach sunset. I had envisioned what it would be like to take Urijah with us someday and watching this all just reminded me that what I had envisioned will just remain a dream. Thanksgiving was especially hard. I read posts on Facebook about new parents being so thankful for their new babies and then watching families laugh and hug their kids tight as they enjoyed their dinner. It was too much. I broke down. As much as I was thankful for all that I have, a huge part of me will always be missing. I didn't want to be thankful at that moment. I wanted to be angry. I fight the urge and pray for guidance and strength every day because every day is a battle to not be angry.

Through this struggle, we did enjoy ourselves as much as we could. We snorkled (swam with green sea turtles and a shark), went horseback riding through a valley, hiked, saw volcanoes, took a helicopter ride, and found unique beaches. I started writing Urijah's name in the sand at each of the beaches and watching the waves wash it away. I don't know why but it was therapeutic for me. Even though he wasn't physically with me, he was with me. It made me smile and cry. Something I haven't been able to do.

Looking back on it, the trip was good and much needed. It made me realize that no matter where i am, Urijah will always be with me. I also didn't cry everyday, which was an improvement from where I was. I even managed to laugh and smile quite a bit. Something I'm very thankful to Steve for. I don't know what I would do without him.

We had a hard time the last day. We didn't want to leave. We difinitely could have used another week. We both agreed that the next time we returned we would have a little one in tow. Our dream of becoming parents is stronger now then it has ever been. That love a parent feels for their child can never be matched and should never be missed. We know the struggles we will be facing and we ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers as our journey is not nearly complete and we need all the prayer we can get. I thank God everyday for the wonderful people in my life. I don't know what I would do without you.  Through Him all things are possible.

Baby Shower

It's been a few days since I last blogged. I had a few busy days. I went to dinner with a new friend I've made. Sadly, we have been united through tragedy. We first met in the hospital during my bed rest stay. She too was in bed rest as her water broke early in her pregnancy.  Thankfully it healed and she was let go. It was later found that her precious baby had a chromosomal issue and may not make it through infancy. I couldn't imagine what that would be like and how hard it would be to carry and love your child, knowing that their chance of survival was slim. Steve and I both prayed for her, hoping the tests were a fluke. It was not so. Her precious little boy was still born a few weeks after Urijah passed. I can see him playing with Urijah in heaven. We met for dinner last week. I'm so glad she felt comfortable sharing her pain with me. No one quite understands what it's like as a mom who has lost a child. I believe God put us together because he knew we would be needing one another.

Why God allows for such things to happen I will never know. Quite frankly, I don't ever want to know. I think I would argue and become angry if I did. So I trust in God's will and continually pray that His will be done in my life.  I truly believe everything happens for a reason and that God is preparing us for something that is going to happen in our future.

After meeting with her I had my sister's baby shower to wrap my head around. I hate to say it but I was dreading  it. My sister and I had been pregnant together. Shared our loves, concerns and gripes about being pregnant. I loved having someone I could share that journey with, someone who understood at the same time what its like and that someone being my sister was a gift. I was so excited that our babies, cousins, would be so close in age and be able to grow up together. I wanted that so badly. Now that her pregnancy progresses (thank you Jesus) she is a constant reminder for me of what will never be. It hurts. She will have a beautiful baby girl in her arms and mine will continue to be empty. I'm trying my best to be there for her but its so hard. I can remember thinking right after Urijah was born that by the time her baby shower came around Urijah would be coming home. I was looking forward to that time. Now that he's gone, I was dreading it. Just another reminder of what would never be.

I wanted to be of help during her shower though. She was so amazing for mine. Both my sisters were and my mom. I would have never had one without them. So I decided that I would buy all I could and even mustered up the courage to walk down the baby isle at Walmart to quickly grab a few things for my little niece. I had decided that I would help decorate and then leave for the actual shower. I didn't know if I could handle being there. I didn't want to start crying and have to leave through the middle of it. This wasn't my day and I didn't want the focus to be taken away from my sister. This was about Katrina and her beautiful baby bump, not about how I was feeling.

 The day arrived and I felt pretty good. I had a dear friend accompany me, as she knew I might need quiet support that day. I love her for that. I went to my parent's house bright and early. We put decorations together, ran errands, laughed. We decorated the room where the shower was going to be held and I was still feeling good. I was happy that God was giving me the strength to be with my sissy, to be able to support her in her happiness. I decided to stay through the first half of the shower. The shower was fun. The food and games were great. We laughed until it hurt. I left briefly for the gifts (I knew I couldn't handle the gifts) and came back to help clean. Even though I didn't do much (all the props go to both sisters and my mom), I was glad I could be there for her, for my family. I don't know what I would do without them.
Life happens and life continues with or without me. I am starting to choose with me. I want to be a part of life, no matter how hard and trying to may be at times. I will never give up my hope and my faith in God. It is only through Him that all things are possible. One day I will get to hold my sweet baby boy again and until that day comes, I want him to be proud of his momma and what she was able to do for others and for God's kingdom during her time on Earth, just as his momma is so proud of him. I love you Urijah. You are my heart. You are loved.

March of Dimes

Today the March of Dimes held a breakfast for all of the local supporters and families. I was asked to be a part of a group of families volunteering to share their preemie story. I didn't even hesitate to say yes. I don't know why I didn't hesitate. Most thought I was brave to be sharing my story so soon. All I could think of was how I was excited to share my story. Ever since Urijah's passing, all I've wanted to do is help other families in need. I wanted to let them know they weren't alone.  Even though Steve and I had support, we still felt very much alone because not many people could relate to having a baby in the NICU and if they had one it was only for a few days. I would take a few days in the NICU over 5 weeks.

Steve and I invited my family and his mom to the breakfast. It was nice to have familiar support. We arrived bright and early and sat at the family table. I wasn't really nervous because I knew other people were going to speak. A few moment later I was informed that I was the only parent that showed to share their story. I immediately got butterflies. Not only was I speaking to a room full of professionals I didn't know but I was going to be alone and to top it off they wanted me to start at the back of the room holding a mic and walk my way up to the front of the room while I spoke.  All eyes on me.

Uhhhhhh, you're kidding, right?

Steve, sensing my distress and being the amazing husband that he is, asked if I wanted him to walk with me. I nodded my head yes and he stood with me at the back of the room, all eyes on us. I managed to start slow and steady, hands were shaking some but I was maintaining composure. When it came to Urijah being born and then passing, I was in tears and had several of the audience members crying as well. I managed to get through the entire speech with Steve by my side. It was a bit of an out of body experience.

 I had a few ladies come to me after and give me a hug. Steve and I were also given a gift by the organization for allowing them to share my story. I am so happy I did. What an awesome way to honor out beautiful son. I plan on being a huge support to the organization and will be forming a team to raise money for the March of Dimes. So I may be looking for you in the spring. :)

Normal weekend

A normal weekend used to sound amazing. We would have a lazy day at least one, maybe two days. No kids meant we could sleep in, watch what we wanted, eat when we wanted, no responsibilities other than ourselves. I woke up yesterday with that thought in mind and cried. I'm sure most parents would love to have that kind of day every now and again but I longed for the opposite. I wanted to get up to feed him, hold him, change him, love on him.  It was the beginning to a teary weekend. 

This morning I cried after speaking with my mom about Christmas and how they just wanted to spoil their grand babies.  It hit me so hard at that moment that Urijah won't be there to be spoiled. I walked into his room, held his bear and cried until i couldn't catch my breath. This holiday season just won't be the same for me. I could care less about presents, visiting with others, food.  I'm not excited. I just want it to hurry up and be over. I seriously can't wait for January. Milestones are a reminder of him. I wonder what he would be doing, who would he look like, how much would he weigh, what cute outfit would he be wearing. I've never hurt this much and I've never hurt this long.  It takes a toll. 

I try not to keep any of it in and Steve has been great at listening and holding me when I'm in need of comfort. I pray. I pray many times a day for strength, for wisdom, and for guidance.  I pray that if is in accordance with His will that he heal my body so that I may be able to carry a child successfully. I'm always reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares The Lord, ' plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". I believe everything happens for a reason and that God is preparing Steve and I for something he has planned for our future. I long for the day he makes it right. I hold steadfast in my faith that through Him all things are possible. 

Conferences

It's been a few days since my last post.  It's been a very long week in total.  Yesterday marked a month since my little boy left this Earth.  I wish I could say it was getting easier.  I miss him so much.  My heart aches any time I see a photo of him or I see a little boy playing.  I so desperately wanted that to be Urijah someday, a rambunctious little boy.  That word brings a smile to my face.  I don't even know if I spelled it right, whatever.  I managed to survive parent teacher conferences.  I had been praying about them for a few days.  I was afraid that I was going to get a parent questions why I was out for so long or why I continue to miss random days.  I kept going over in my mind how I was going to protect myself and what I was going to say.  I had created scenarios in my mind.  I was sure there would be at least one.  God saved me like he always does.  I didn't have one unpleasant conference.  In fact I had the opposite.  I had a parent come to me and say they knew a little of what I was feeling because they too lost a child.  The mom said she was praying for me and my family and that my little angel would be waiting for me in heaven.  Her words were amazing and I knew then that God heard my prayers.  The rest of the afternoon went on much the same.  One of the last conferences I had was someone I hadn't expect to see, his NICU nurse.  When I saw her I lost it.  I didn't even realize I had her son in my class.  She came to my table with tears already in her eyes and sat down.  She told me she didn't know if she should come see me or not but decided she wanted to.  She didn't want to discuss her son but rather tell me that Urijah would be missed and that she was thinking of us, missed us and said we would never be forgotten.  I couldn't tell her anything other than "thank you for everything you did for my son.  I can't thank you enough for being there for us and we haven't given up on our dreams of becoming parents".  She told me that she too had lost a son recently and knew something about what I was feeling.  I hugged her.  I can truly say I love her.  I love all of them.  I pray for the NICU nurses every day and those sweet babies they take care of.  She definitely made my conference day so much brighter.  

I can hardly wait for God to bless us someday with a child.  We aren't too sure how he/she is going to get here just yet.  I have been told by doctors that bed rest is likely again, hospital stay would be likely and a NICU baby would be likely.  That's the part that scares me the most.  I know I shouldn't be afraid but it's so hard after all we've been through.  

I just want to be a mom.  I have never wanted anything more.  I wish parents wouldn't take that for granted.  There are so many women and men out there that would give anything to have a family and can't, I am now one of them.  I thought I would never be here.  This happened to other people, not me.  Never me. 

Even though Urijah is no longer here my love continues to grow for him.  He has blessed me more than I could have every imagined he would.  I'm a better teacher, a better friend, a more devoted servant of God, a better wife, and eventually a better parent all because of his precious and short existence.  What an amazing gift I was given. 

 I love you baby boy.  Always in mommy's heart. 

What to say, what not to say

Every day is different, every hour is different. It's weird to not be in control of my emotions all the time. I went shopping for my sister's baby shower present. Yes, my sister is pregnant. I'm so happy for her but it does hurt and I find myself getting jealous. What a horrible emotion, jealousy. Makes me sick. I pray continually for guidance but for now I've removed myself from all things baby, including my own sister, which is very hard. I know it will not always be this way. She knows I love her and I do talk with her on the phone often. For now my sources of comfort are Steve and other moms who have experienced loss of an infant. I'm so happy for my support system and the constant prayers. Please keep them coming, but it's so hard for others to relate and their first instinct is to try and make me happy or "fix" it. There is no fixing this and when I'm having a difficult day the last thing I want is someone trying to make me happy. I do appreciate the attempt but I just need people to understand that I won't be completely okay for sometime. People keep telling me they don't know what to say and then there are some who say whatever comes to their mind, insensitive or not. If you ever encounter someone who has suffered a loss of an infant and/or pregnancy here are a few things you should stay away from:
"It was meant to be"
"Something's was probably wrong with the baby"
"Everything happens for a reason" - although she may come to that realization later in she doesn't want to hear that now.
"You're still young, you can have more" & "You can try again" - you may not know all of their business and perhaps not all couples can have another.
"It wasn't even a baby"
"At least you know you can get pregnant"
"You can always adopt"
"It was a blessing in disguise"
"At least your baby is in heaven" and "it was God's plan" - although this may bring comfort someday and is very true, it's not something someone who has lost a baby wants to hear straight after a loss
"At least your baby doesn't have to live in this awful world"
"God doesn't make mistakes"
"It's better to have loved and lost"
"I just don't know how God chooses who is worthy"
"I know how you feel"

Please do say:
"I'm here for you"
"I'm so sorry for your loss"
"If you need me I'm here"
"Tell me about your son/daughter"
"I'm praying for you"
"I don't know what to say but I'm here for you"
OR just a giving them a hug. That has meant the most to me.

All grieve differently and not all of this is the same for everyone. Please do not take offense. I'm not trying to be mean but rather informative. Thank you for taking the time to read. I appreciate all of you.

I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for my friends. I am blessed to have carried such a precious child of God.

Life is rough....

4 weeks today. The days aren't much easier. The pain has definitely become more manageable but it's all still very raw. I cried watching a mom sing to her baby. I will never get to do that again with Urijah. He used to sleep on mu chest when i sang Jesus Loves Me. i got to hold him 5 times. My heart exploded with joy every time I held him.

The human part of me wants to continue questioning. I don't understand why God brought me so far in my pregnancy, why I endured so much,  just to take him from us.  Why is it that so many who don't want children are able to have them and the only thing I long for is to be a parent and I'm being denied. Then I have to remember God has a bigger plan in place and its not for me to understand. It's so hard though. The trials of this life are so overwhelming. I'm not sure how anyone does this without faith in God.

I find it hardest when I'm alone. That's when I cry. Steve is working late tonight and without him here, my mind wanders. The pain becomes more intense and I find myself breaking. I want to scream at the top of my lungs to see if it makes me feel better. Instead, I just curl up in the nursery and hold his bear and talk to him.

People marvel at my strength and a lot of the time it's a mask.  I laugh at appropriate times and smile when needed.  I don't know what people expect when they come to talk with me. Very rarely do people ask about him. They pretend nothing happened and many just avoid me. I don't know what's worse, avoiding me or pretending he never existed. They both hurt. I have had people I've called friends not even bother to call, text, Facebook or email. I have found who my true friends and family are and I will keep them close.

He would be two months old soon. We were so close. Another 5 weeks and he could have potentially come home. I miss him more every day. He was supposed to be my rainbow baby. I miss his little cry. When I first heard it, it brought tears to my eyes. I was so happy. I would give anything to hear his little cry, see his beautiful smile. He had this smell. I could have recognized it anywhere and now I can't remeber what it was like. I long to smell it again.

I do not regret a second I got to spend with him. I would gladly carry him again, endure the stress, pain, and tears just to have him with me. A huge piece of my heart is missing and that is something I'm going to have to learn to live with. I wish there was a manual for stuff like this but since there isn't I'm having to do a lot of learning along the way.

I was honored to be his mother, I was blessed to have met him and I'm so happy that someday I will get to see him again. He brought so much joy to my life. He will always be loved.