Morbid

I'm having a rough day today.  I don't really have focus for this blog or a particular direction I'm going in, I'm just having rough day.  I'm sitting here at my work computer and I'm supposed to be grading, filing, putting in grades, but I want nothing to do with any of it.  No focus, no concentration, no patience for the tedious and repetitive.  It's frustrating.  All I can do is stare at his wallet sized pictures taped to my computer and grieve.  It hurts to look at his pictures.  My mind does this weird thing where it turns my past reality, my pregnancy, his birth, his death, into a dream.  Some days it feels like it never happened.  I'm sure it's a coping mechanism designed to relieve me of some of the pain.  Maybe I should be grateful for it but I fight it instead.  I force myself to look at his pictures, I force myself to remember and then I grieve.  I want to feel, even if it causes me to cry or causes my heart to continue breaking.

Today I'm teaching my anatomy students how muscles contract.  To get them to understand is quite the feat but I love watching their faces light up as they begin to make connections.  Part of the lesson is talking what happens when muscles are unable to stop contracting and more specifically the inability to stop contracting when it pertains to death.  Rigor Mortis. The word even sounds revolting.  So I'm teaching my kids what it means and why it happens.  In the middle of the first class I teach it to, my mind immediately goes to Urijah's death.  I start remembering everything about that day as I'm speaking to my students.  I'm reliving it in my mind, every single moment up until the doctor says he can do no more and then after when I asked to hold him and then I start thinking about the death process and if rigor mortis is happening to him as I was holding his lifeless body.  It's taking everything for me to not cry in front of my students at this moment.   Stupid, stupid mind.  I couldn't turn it off.  I just wanted it to stop. Even though I want to remember and feel, this was something new, something so horribly morbid that it was too much for me to bear. After class I went into my storeroom and cried.  One step forward, two steps back.

 As I type this I have a knot in my throat, my heart is pounding and tears are welling up in the corner of my eyes.  My head hurts.  I just want to go home.  Praying for strength.  I'm just having a rough day.