Life is rough....

4 weeks today. The days aren't much easier. The pain has definitely become more manageable but it's all still very raw. I cried watching a mom sing to her baby. I will never get to do that again with Urijah. He used to sleep on mu chest when i sang Jesus Loves Me. i got to hold him 5 times. My heart exploded with joy every time I held him.

The human part of me wants to continue questioning. I don't understand why God brought me so far in my pregnancy, why I endured so much,  just to take him from us.  Why is it that so many who don't want children are able to have them and the only thing I long for is to be a parent and I'm being denied. Then I have to remember God has a bigger plan in place and its not for me to understand. It's so hard though. The trials of this life are so overwhelming. I'm not sure how anyone does this without faith in God.

I find it hardest when I'm alone. That's when I cry. Steve is working late tonight and without him here, my mind wanders. The pain becomes more intense and I find myself breaking. I want to scream at the top of my lungs to see if it makes me feel better. Instead, I just curl up in the nursery and hold his bear and talk to him.

People marvel at my strength and a lot of the time it's a mask.  I laugh at appropriate times and smile when needed.  I don't know what people expect when they come to talk with me. Very rarely do people ask about him. They pretend nothing happened and many just avoid me. I don't know what's worse, avoiding me or pretending he never existed. They both hurt. I have had people I've called friends not even bother to call, text, Facebook or email. I have found who my true friends and family are and I will keep them close.

He would be two months old soon. We were so close. Another 5 weeks and he could have potentially come home. I miss him more every day. He was supposed to be my rainbow baby. I miss his little cry. When I first heard it, it brought tears to my eyes. I was so happy. I would give anything to hear his little cry, see his beautiful smile. He had this smell. I could have recognized it anywhere and now I can't remeber what it was like. I long to smell it again.

I do not regret a second I got to spend with him. I would gladly carry him again, endure the stress, pain, and tears just to have him with me. A huge piece of my heart is missing and that is something I'm going to have to learn to live with. I wish there was a manual for stuff like this but since there isn't I'm having to do a lot of learning along the way.

I was honored to be his mother, I was blessed to have met him and I'm so happy that someday I will get to see him again. He brought so much joy to my life. He will always be loved.