Hawaii

Almost every year, Steve and I try to go somewhere on vacation. Whether it be as local as Ruidoso ot as big as the British Virgin Islands, we enjoy spending time away.  This year we didn't get to go on vacation because we had Urijah's arrival coming up and that trumped any vacation we had ever taken. We were looking forward to saving that vacation time and eventually taking Urijah with us. He was going to be our little traveler.

Steve and I decided not long after Urijah passed that we NEEDED to get away and as far away as we could go the better. I didn't care that I'm not getting paid and that we still have bills, we just needed to go away. Our favorite vacation spot has always been Hawaii.  We thought that would be a good location to rest. We needed to destress. We haven't stopped being stressed since the beginning of this pregnancy, all the way through my bed rest, my hospital stay, his birth, his NICU stay, and then his death. We needed rest. The other thing we felt we needed to be away from was the holiday. I cannot explain to you how hard an impending holiday is when you've suffered the loss of a child and I sincerely hope you never have to know the feeling.

For all of our vacations, we spent weeks, months even, preparing and anticipating our vacation. This one was different. The trip snuck up on us and we hadn't really planned anything. We have both suffered from a loss of motivation to do much of anything. Both Steve and I have also developed concentration issues. Our minds just wander, making tasks more difficult to complete and I know my memory is shot. I'm constantly forgetting. It's frustrating.

The day we left, I was ready to get out of "reality". I was looking forward to distraction. As the plane prepared to land on the island I was immediately overcome with emotion. It was definitely not something I was prepared for.  I started to cry silently. The tears streaming down my face were from guilt. I felt guilty I was getting away, guilty that I wanted to be distracted and sad to know that my little one was never going to physically travel with me. I felt so bad. I didn't want people to think now that he is gone, I'm going on vacation. It wasn't like that. It wasn't nice to be able to get away, it wasn't nice that I was going to be at a beach.  The reason for me being there wasn't nice at all. I would give up a thousand hawaiian vacations just for a moment with him again. Just to hold him, kiss him and tell him how much I love him. It was then I realized that no getaway will ever bring peace and comfort for that.

From then on everything reminded me of him. The baby hiking with his parents on a trail through a volcano. His cute toes sticking out from his sling carrier his mother was wearing. I wanted that to be me. The tiny toddlers playing in the pool with their parents, giggling and squealing in their adorable swim suits. Parents pushing strollers during a beach sunset. I had envisioned what it would be like to take Urijah with us someday and watching this all just reminded me that what I had envisioned will just remain a dream. Thanksgiving was especially hard. I read posts on Facebook about new parents being so thankful for their new babies and then watching families laugh and hug their kids tight as they enjoyed their dinner. It was too much. I broke down. As much as I was thankful for all that I have, a huge part of me will always be missing. I didn't want to be thankful at that moment. I wanted to be angry. I fight the urge and pray for guidance and strength every day because every day is a battle to not be angry.

Through this struggle, we did enjoy ourselves as much as we could. We snorkled (swam with green sea turtles and a shark), went horseback riding through a valley, hiked, saw volcanoes, took a helicopter ride, and found unique beaches. I started writing Urijah's name in the sand at each of the beaches and watching the waves wash it away. I don't know why but it was therapeutic for me. Even though he wasn't physically with me, he was with me. It made me smile and cry. Something I haven't been able to do.

Looking back on it, the trip was good and much needed. It made me realize that no matter where i am, Urijah will always be with me. I also didn't cry everyday, which was an improvement from where I was. I even managed to laugh and smile quite a bit. Something I'm very thankful to Steve for. I don't know what I would do without him.

We had a hard time the last day. We didn't want to leave. We difinitely could have used another week. We both agreed that the next time we returned we would have a little one in tow. Our dream of becoming parents is stronger now then it has ever been. That love a parent feels for their child can never be matched and should never be missed. We know the struggles we will be facing and we ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers as our journey is not nearly complete and we need all the prayer we can get. I thank God everyday for the wonderful people in my life. I don't know what I would do without you.  Through Him all things are possible.