Conferences

It's been a few days since my last post.  It's been a very long week in total.  Yesterday marked a month since my little boy left this Earth.  I wish I could say it was getting easier.  I miss him so much.  My heart aches any time I see a photo of him or I see a little boy playing.  I so desperately wanted that to be Urijah someday, a rambunctious little boy.  That word brings a smile to my face.  I don't even know if I spelled it right, whatever.  I managed to survive parent teacher conferences.  I had been praying about them for a few days.  I was afraid that I was going to get a parent questions why I was out for so long or why I continue to miss random days.  I kept going over in my mind how I was going to protect myself and what I was going to say.  I had created scenarios in my mind.  I was sure there would be at least one.  God saved me like he always does.  I didn't have one unpleasant conference.  In fact I had the opposite.  I had a parent come to me and say they knew a little of what I was feeling because they too lost a child.  The mom said she was praying for me and my family and that my little angel would be waiting for me in heaven.  Her words were amazing and I knew then that God heard my prayers.  The rest of the afternoon went on much the same.  One of the last conferences I had was someone I hadn't expect to see, his NICU nurse.  When I saw her I lost it.  I didn't even realize I had her son in my class.  She came to my table with tears already in her eyes and sat down.  She told me she didn't know if she should come see me or not but decided she wanted to.  She didn't want to discuss her son but rather tell me that Urijah would be missed and that she was thinking of us, missed us and said we would never be forgotten.  I couldn't tell her anything other than "thank you for everything you did for my son.  I can't thank you enough for being there for us and we haven't given up on our dreams of becoming parents".  She told me that she too had lost a son recently and knew something about what I was feeling.  I hugged her.  I can truly say I love her.  I love all of them.  I pray for the NICU nurses every day and those sweet babies they take care of.  She definitely made my conference day so much brighter.  

I can hardly wait for God to bless us someday with a child.  We aren't too sure how he/she is going to get here just yet.  I have been told by doctors that bed rest is likely again, hospital stay would be likely and a NICU baby would be likely.  That's the part that scares me the most.  I know I shouldn't be afraid but it's so hard after all we've been through.  

I just want to be a mom.  I have never wanted anything more.  I wish parents wouldn't take that for granted.  There are so many women and men out there that would give anything to have a family and can't, I am now one of them.  I thought I would never be here.  This happened to other people, not me.  Never me. 

Even though Urijah is no longer here my love continues to grow for him.  He has blessed me more than I could have every imagined he would.  I'm a better teacher, a better friend, a more devoted servant of God, a better wife, and eventually a better parent all because of his precious and short existence.  What an amazing gift I was given. 

 I love you baby boy.  Always in mommy's heart.