Baby Shower

It's been a few days since I last blogged. I had a few busy days. I went to dinner with a new friend I've made. Sadly, we have been united through tragedy. We first met in the hospital during my bed rest stay. She too was in bed rest as her water broke early in her pregnancy.  Thankfully it healed and she was let go. It was later found that her precious baby had a chromosomal issue and may not make it through infancy. I couldn't imagine what that would be like and how hard it would be to carry and love your child, knowing that their chance of survival was slim. Steve and I both prayed for her, hoping the tests were a fluke. It was not so. Her precious little boy was still born a few weeks after Urijah passed. I can see him playing with Urijah in heaven. We met for dinner last week. I'm so glad she felt comfortable sharing her pain with me. No one quite understands what it's like as a mom who has lost a child. I believe God put us together because he knew we would be needing one another.

Why God allows for such things to happen I will never know. Quite frankly, I don't ever want to know. I think I would argue and become angry if I did. So I trust in God's will and continually pray that His will be done in my life.  I truly believe everything happens for a reason and that God is preparing us for something that is going to happen in our future.

After meeting with her I had my sister's baby shower to wrap my head around. I hate to say it but I was dreading  it. My sister and I had been pregnant together. Shared our loves, concerns and gripes about being pregnant. I loved having someone I could share that journey with, someone who understood at the same time what its like and that someone being my sister was a gift. I was so excited that our babies, cousins, would be so close in age and be able to grow up together. I wanted that so badly. Now that her pregnancy progresses (thank you Jesus) she is a constant reminder for me of what will never be. It hurts. She will have a beautiful baby girl in her arms and mine will continue to be empty. I'm trying my best to be there for her but its so hard. I can remember thinking right after Urijah was born that by the time her baby shower came around Urijah would be coming home. I was looking forward to that time. Now that he's gone, I was dreading it. Just another reminder of what would never be.

I wanted to be of help during her shower though. She was so amazing for mine. Both my sisters were and my mom. I would have never had one without them. So I decided that I would buy all I could and even mustered up the courage to walk down the baby isle at Walmart to quickly grab a few things for my little niece. I had decided that I would help decorate and then leave for the actual shower. I didn't know if I could handle being there. I didn't want to start crying and have to leave through the middle of it. This wasn't my day and I didn't want the focus to be taken away from my sister. This was about Katrina and her beautiful baby bump, not about how I was feeling.

 The day arrived and I felt pretty good. I had a dear friend accompany me, as she knew I might need quiet support that day. I love her for that. I went to my parent's house bright and early. We put decorations together, ran errands, laughed. We decorated the room where the shower was going to be held and I was still feeling good. I was happy that God was giving me the strength to be with my sissy, to be able to support her in her happiness. I decided to stay through the first half of the shower. The shower was fun. The food and games were great. We laughed until it hurt. I left briefly for the gifts (I knew I couldn't handle the gifts) and came back to help clean. Even though I didn't do much (all the props go to both sisters and my mom), I was glad I could be there for her, for my family. I don't know what I would do without them.
Life happens and life continues with or without me. I am starting to choose with me. I want to be a part of life, no matter how hard and trying to may be at times. I will never give up my hope and my faith in God. It is only through Him that all things are possible. One day I will get to hold my sweet baby boy again and until that day comes, I want him to be proud of his momma and what she was able to do for others and for God's kingdom during her time on Earth, just as his momma is so proud of him. I love you Urijah. You are my heart. You are loved.