Normal weekend

A normal weekend used to sound amazing. We would have a lazy day at least one, maybe two days. No kids meant we could sleep in, watch what we wanted, eat when we wanted, no responsibilities other than ourselves. I woke up yesterday with that thought in mind and cried. I'm sure most parents would love to have that kind of day every now and again but I longed for the opposite. I wanted to get up to feed him, hold him, change him, love on him.  It was the beginning to a teary weekend. 

This morning I cried after speaking with my mom about Christmas and how they just wanted to spoil their grand babies.  It hit me so hard at that moment that Urijah won't be there to be spoiled. I walked into his room, held his bear and cried until i couldn't catch my breath. This holiday season just won't be the same for me. I could care less about presents, visiting with others, food.  I'm not excited. I just want it to hurry up and be over. I seriously can't wait for January. Milestones are a reminder of him. I wonder what he would be doing, who would he look like, how much would he weigh, what cute outfit would he be wearing. I've never hurt this much and I've never hurt this long.  It takes a toll. 

I try not to keep any of it in and Steve has been great at listening and holding me when I'm in need of comfort. I pray. I pray many times a day for strength, for wisdom, and for guidance.  I pray that if is in accordance with His will that he heal my body so that I may be able to carry a child successfully. I'm always reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares The Lord, ' plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". I believe everything happens for a reason and that God is preparing Steve and I for something he has planned for our future. I long for the day he makes it right. I hold steadfast in my faith that through Him all things are possible.